Carrot's Sort Of Good Day
by BluePard
Summary: Spamfic.


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Carrot's (Sort of) Good Day

**  
[Or... Episode One: The Fanon Menace] 

Disclaimer: I own nothing but a cruel sense of humor and a horny muse. And she's on vacation.  
Warning: This fic is a Parody spamfic. If you take it seriously, I will laugh at you. Loudly. There's some bad language and naughty stuff, so don't read if it offends.  
Dated: May 5, 2002 (consider it a celebration of our liberty)  
Pairing: Nothing serious.  
Plot: None o that either.  
Spoilers: There was one, but then Big Momma moaned over it, so it's safe now.  
Context: Well, it was during Hell week, and I ran out of even bad BH fanfiction at ff.net, and I read the title of a thread in the BH yaoi list, "I think Satoru and and Ray like tormenting yaoi fangirls." and, well.... oh, wait, you mean context in BH? None really.  
Comments: I'm sure some twidget's going to try to tell me Marron's eyes are gold. They're not, at least not in the manga. On the manga covers, you can debate as to whether they're black, brown, blue, violet, or variations therein, but they're always dark and never yellow that I've seen. I don't know why everyone thinks they're gold. Maybe they're gold in the anime, I wouldn't know.  
--

Carrot grinned widely. It looked like a good day. The sisters thought he was still sleeping and he had snuck out the back. Now, if he could just contain himself until he was out of earshot, he'd have a full vacation day of girl chasing ahead of him. He sprinted off, flattening himself as some unrelenting rock stepped in front of him.

"Hey, twerp."

"G... Gateau..." Carrot clutched his bleeding nose. "Wath where ya gobing, ogay?"

"No. And you know why?" Gateau picked Carrot up by his shirt.

"Er?"

"Because I hate you." And Gateau tossed Carrot aside and into a wall. Carrot stuck for a moment before flopping to the floor.

"Owwww.... big dumb... what's his problem?" Carrot rubbed his head. He could hear the others coming to investigate the THWACK his body had made against the brick. That ruined any chances of girl chasing in peace, so he abandoned it for trying to figure out what had upset Gateau. He looked so innocent when the girls found him, they malleted him just to be sure.

"Niisan."

Carrot pulled himself off the floor, his face brightening. "Oh, Marron, do you know why--"

_"Niisan."_

Carrot blinked blankly at him. There was definitely something wrong about Marron. His eyes had turned ... golden? That couldn't be. Only freaks like Mille Feuille and Siryuse had golden eyes. Their expression wasn't Marron's, either.

"Niisan... if you really are my niisan... I've realized a few things recently. I am in love with Gateau, we are fated to be. We are both deeply in love."

"R...really? Uh, but... he's hitting on Tira right now." Carrot pointed it out, though it was a hard sight to miss, what with Tira's red cloak streaking behind her, and her screams, and Gateau's one and only pick up line being shouted at ear-splitting volume.

"That is merely a facade to hide his deep emotional pain."

"LOOK AT MEEEE~~!"

"Get away, hentai!"

"Uh huh," said Carrot. "Well, okay, I can buy that, there's gotta be some reason he's such a freak, but... in love?!"

"You never understood me, niisan! Always trying to drive me away from my one true love..."

"Er, that was Gateau again, right?"

"Take this, you pervert!"

"Ooo! Ahh! Mmm... Ahh ahh ouch! Tira! Itai yo! Quit it!"

"OH HO HO HO HO!"

"And you've forced me to make this choice so I'll make it! Did you really think," Marron had his hands on his hips and his nose to the sky, "That I would pick you over true love?"

"Wh--what? Choice?" Carrot was still coming to grip with the idea that his brother was gay and in love. "What are you talking about, choice, I'm your brother. He's not--" Carrot waved his hand at Gateau, who was being ground under Tira's heel like some sort of big game prize--Chocolat was taking photographs, "--he's not ever gonna be your brother. I'm not ever gonna be your boyfriend."

"Is that so, niisan? Goodness only knows how you abused me when I was little! Probably trying to keep me for yourself!"

"B, but I'm the only one who _didn't_ abuse you as a child. Everyone else picked on you, remember?"

"Probably paid them to do it."

Carrot just stared at him.

"If it comes down to flesh, blood and," He spat the word out, "_duty_, or true love, well, I take true love."

"It's not just blood... or duty..." He couldn't possibly be explaining this, to Marron of all people. "I took care of you, I cared about you, we've got that... that bond where you know if I'm hurt or in danger or..."

Marron's eyes were too cold for a joke.

"That's not duty! We're brothers! We've saved each other's lives plenty of times and... I never hated Gateau, we go around saving each other too, now maybe that's duty, but... you're not... serious... are you, Marron?"

"I'm sorry, niisan, but you brought this on yourself. I won't allow you to befuddle me with your lies any longer." And with that he dragged Gateau off by his hair.

Carrot stared at the ground, going over what Marron had said. His eyes traced the lines of his boots as if the words were written on them. After a few minutes, he smacked himself in the forehead and ran over to the girls.

"Tira, Chocolat! We've gotta do something about Marron, he's drunk or possessed or something."

"He seemed fine to me," said Tira.

"Marron's always _fine_. Mm-mm, finger-lickin' good. Think I'll go get me some of that." And Chocolat ran after Marron, undressing as she went.

"O-kaaaayyyyyyy.... Tira, come on, help me here. There's gotta be some freaky forbidden magic or something."

"Caroto..." Tira blushed, her fingertips at her lips. She was having one of her moments. Carrot dipped his head down curiously; her eyes were soft and faintly dewy. She was working up her courage for something. She seemed to have finally found it, but as she looked up to speak she found her face inches from Carrot's. Their eyes locked.

"Caroto..."

"Tira...?"

"Carrot, you've... you've broken me widdle heart!" And with that she malleted Carrot and ran off to buy tickets to Marron Con 2002.

"I'm sorry, Carrot dear," said Mille Feuille, floating by Carrot's flattened and teary body, "But I've just realized I hit on you only to get close to your brother."

"Nngh."

Carrot twitched.

"...oh well. Score one for anal virginity!" Carrot popped up and did the happy little vegetable dance. He was mid-thrust when Big Momma appeared out of nowhere. 

"Hey, Big Momma! You don't happen to have a chastity belt somewhere, do ya? Just in case Marron's not really gay. Be a shame for him to lose his white robes over a spell, y'know?"

From somewhere in the void...

"AHHHH! Get away from me you FREAKS! Must EVERYONE in the friggin' continent--"

The mage's cries died down as Chocolat and Tira found that red rubber ball gag they'd been looking for.

Carrot looked around for the source of the noise, but it was hard to find in the darkness of the Stellar Church, amid the prevalent sound of muffled grunting. Big Momma didn't respond. Dota was nearby, hitting her head against a wall while stripping.

"Duuuh." said Dota. "Dyaaah. D'ohhhhh."

Carrot was about to help Dota remove her head from the wall and also the rest of her clothes when Big Momma did her impression of an over-inflated balloon. Carrot sat down like a good puppy.

"Carrot, as you see, our world has been corrupted. Perhaps this is the work of... ooh, ahh, nngh... since you seem to be immuuune..."

Carrot tried to look behind Big Momma to see why she was making such funny faces, but she recovered and glared him back to his seat.

"You have to.... oh baby.... er, find the cause and set things right." Big Momma gasped.

"Let me get this straight," said Carrot, still trying to peer around Big Momma, "My choices are, to track down some evil fiend and single-handledly save the day so that I can get back to my normal life of getting beaten up, captured, throwing myself in front of sharp things and magic, being malleted and whipped by my psycho sisters, hit on only by the people I least want to have sex with, insulted by ... everyone in general and still having to emerge triumphant and (usually) naked at the end--OR--running off to chase chicks while there's no one to stop me?"

Big Momma gave a little gaspy moan, which Carrot took as a yes.

"Screw this shit, I'm outta here."

Big Momma would have stopped him, but she was far too distracted at the moment. At least Dota had recovered somewhat, and was taking careful notes. Maybe they'd let her join in next time.

And Zaha Torte, grunting in the back, somehow managed not to make an appearance.

Somewhere, hiding on one of the many islands collectively known as Japan, two shadowy figures admired their work with glee.

"We've done it, Ray! Our ingenius creation has caused all these people to lose their minds and babble nonsensically! Do you know what this means?"

"I think so, Satoru, but where are we going to get a gallon of whipped cream and three jars of pickles at this hour?"

"....At the whipped cream and pickle emporium, Ray, but that's not important. Snacks later. Now we can take over the world!!"

"Zort!"


End file.
